Nagging for the kid? It is just parents’ thoughts

 

  



 [Parents should try to communicate with children through dialogue rather than one-sided nagging. This is one scene aired in an Educational program, <The Documentary Prime - Mom's change> on October 2011. Han kyo Reh> Photos]

Interview with Yun Gyung Jeong, a professor of Catholic UniversityWhen you consider children’s positions the conversation is communication, if you do not, it is nag.Do not try to give everything to them, just look at them!

"Did not mom tell you not to play with your friends until late?"

"I have something to do! Stop nagging me!”

“You are so rude! While mother is talking to you!...”

"Oh, forget it! (Clunk)

  This is daily normal conversation between a mother and a daughter. When the child enters the room while shutting the door, the conversation ends. Child and parents think they cannot understand each other, so they cannot talk to each other. 

  "Raising children is a difficult” said Yun Gyung Jeong, a psychology professor of Catholic University who is mother of a daughter who is a second year in middle school and is going through puberty at the full. Usually she has conversation with her kids a lot. When she is too busy to be face-to-face with her children, she communicates with them through phone, text messages, e-mail, or letter constantly. Recently she published a book, <happy nitpicking which is raising the kid> about which is what she has felt and has worried while she is raising her own kid. I asked what difference is between nitpicking and conversation and what children need to her sometime who is told by her daughter that “you feel uncomfortable, because you say different words from what you wrote in your book.”

  What is the reason of writing this book?

  “I wrote this book to find out what the true natures of nitpicking are and to give the parents good ideas, what to do in each situation. Especially I classified appropriate nitpickings according to the child's gender or inclination. Many parts of the book are difficulties that I experienced in raising my own child and they are my thoughts I regretted alone like ‘I should have told to her in that way’ after I did not handle well. In addition, I brought data together from researches of parents and child psychologist books or data."

  What do you think why mom nags children?

  "Parents want their children to be good but the problem is they want children to be good not in children’s position but in the parents’. Because of this, children feel that they are interfered or controlled by the parents. Eventually nitpicking is originated from ‘self-greedy’ of parents. So they cannot control their mind and they get upset finally they blame the kids a lot. The biggest feature of nagging is repetition. The parents who do not know how to communicate well should finish talking at once, but because of their anxiety, they just press their children repeatedly."

  What is the biggest difference between the nagging and conversation?

  

  "If it is considering children’s position, it is conversation. If it is not, it is just nagging. And if parents talk to children while controlling their mind, it is the conversation but if they just express their feelings extemporaneously to children, it is the nitpicking. When children think it is nagging, though mom does not, parents should stop it immediately. Parents could have real conversation not by that usually mom sets up the rules and if it is not maintained, parents unilaterally scold the kids, but by they are talking together to find out causes and the solutions."

  Now days, communication and empathy are attracting attention throughout our society., Why are they important in the family?

  “Communication is the attitude of life and it does not mean self-centered. Thinking from the perspective of others, consideration and cooperation are important for both parents and children. And empathizing ability which is located on the top of emotional development is made when children are young. Children learn communication skill and empathy through conversation with their parent, but when it is not possible, they become speechless and also the process of raising empathy is disconnected.”

  So, how do we communicate specifically?

  "The kids always could have problem and it is nature. When we look at the teenage incidents of bullying or suicide, there are some students who cannot tell parents their difficulties honestly. If they had communicated well in their family, the problem must have been solved. Parents always have to open the passage for kids to communicate with them. And they should give children belief that children can get practical help and consolation from their parents. If parents just scold their kids for their faults, children are likely to hide them rather than fixing. Though kids already did something wrong and lied to parents if parents said to them that “Thank you for telling me everything honestly now”, the problem is resolved and children get to know that they can get help from parents. It is important that the parents make children talk to them honestly in usual conversation."

  Now days, 'helicopter mom’ is trend which means a mother who is circling around their children like helicopter while meddling in all kinds of work though their kids grow up and go to the university and even they start their social lives. What is the most overlooked point when parents raise their children?

  The good mom is the happy mom but mothers are confused what the good mother is. Actually, when I look into mothers, they cannot be separated from kids. Now days, mothers wants to be everything for their kids from road manger to learning coach and emotional coach. Children have grown while they think, plan, and act by themselves. It is natural that they undergo trial and error in the process. Parents should tell children that the process is meaningful rather than fix them when they fail and frustrate. While they are looking back at the process together, parents admire children for what they did well. If did not work out well, they get together to figure out what the problem is and how to fix it while listening to their troubles. Please, just watch them and “Enjoy it”, and while watching them just be happy.

Reporter, Hwa Jin Choe lotus57@hanedui.com

There is an order in nagging.

1. Regulate emotions.

  Before you start to nag children, you should calm yourself down first and when you think you become objective and fair, you start to talk to your children. If is not possible to control your anger, it is not a bad idea to keep your distance from the children for a while and wait until you are able to talk them rationally again.

2. Listen to your children first.

  When you nag your children, listen to your kids’ stories first. There is a chance that parents misunderstand children and while children are talking about their own stories, they can take a look at their behaviors. In the process, unexpectedly they may reflect on themselves and repent their faults. 

3. Tell your children the purpose of nagging.

  When children are scolded by parent, often they do not know what they did wrong, so parent should tell them why they are told off. At this time, surely you point out only the problem situation or the child's bad behavior.

4. Just talk about only one subject as short as possible.

  When it comes to nagging, the shorter is the better. When it becomes longer, parents would be likely to say something repeatedly or something wrong that they should not tell. And when parents nag their children, they scold them for only the current children’ wrong behavior.

5. Compromise on the appropriate line and suggest alternatives.

  The crucial difference between beneficial and bad nagging is whether it gives alternative to children or not. Parents should tell children what they have to do clearly and specifically. In this time, parents mainly suggest the alternative that they should do rather than they should not do.

Yun Gyung Jeong In <happy nitpicking which is raising the kid>

Original URL: http://www.hani.co.kr/arti/society/schooling/553041.html

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